So after another conversation with mom I am realizing more and more things about myself. I may be as scared of failure as of success. Many of my friends have written this to me in the past weeks. In the weeks I was gettitng the gallery ready and all the paperwork in order I went on instinct. I didn't second guess myself. I didn't panick, I just did it. Action. And everything went well. Not aways smooth, but progress was made. I have found it interesting that once I was open, once I had time to think and ponder, I began to doubt. To second guess. And while this didn't cause anything bad to happen physically, mentally it was devastating. I was getting over come with fear on a daily basis. Wondering what the hell I had done. I doubted the art classes, I doubted my art, I doubted everything. Yesterday I realized how I was not listening to myself. How I was trying to run this gallery based on how I thought it "should" be run. Not on what my instict said. Not being flexible with my plan changing as I saw opportunities. Worrying that if I needed to change things I was somehow failing. So yesterday I took a deep breath and took action. I went on instinct. I paid bills that were due, I mailed letters, faxed letters, finished two design projects, dropped them at the printer, made arrangements to go to an elementary school for a presentation, dropped off a portrait for an art auction, and made my list of projects to do by Monday. And I did it. All. And it felt good. And last night I went out. And instead of feeling guilty I allowed myself to feel like I deserved it after such a productive day. This morning I had my second art class. I decided to have fun. To play with the kids, to play with art. To show them the joy I feel when I paint acrylic on canvas. The time flew. We laughed, we drew, we painted. At the end of the class each student had done their very first acrylic painting on canvas. And were they ever proud! Their work was amazing - I will post pics soon. There was joy in their art and you could see the pride in their eyes when they saw what they had created. I was flying when the class ended. It felt amazing. I just did what came naturally and stopped tyrying to do what I thought I "should" be doing. It was so much easier and so much more fun my way. Just like my art. When I try to imitate others I get frustrated. When I just paint what comes out of the end of my brush I feel a thrill every time. I am learning to stop fighting with myself. To go for it, with everything I have and see what happens. I tell, you, I may not know how this all turns out, but I can say this, I feel ALIVE. Everyday is an adventure and more and more each day I am trusting in myself. And that is when the fear goes away. Today was a beautiful day that I will remember moments of it forever. I trusted myself enough to give my joy to some children and saw the joy come alive in them. And that rocked.

Hmmm, what to write? I usually try not to write or post unless I have something to say. I am sitting here typing, so somewhere I guess I must want to say something. The past two weeks have been hard to describe in one word. Amazing, exhilirating, scary, fearful, anxiety-filled, full of joys, full of tears, so much. So much. I have for the first time in my life experienced panic attacks. For someone who has never had a full time job or a reliable source of income in ten years, you would think I'd be well versed in this. But actually no. I have never experienced physical panick attacks before. I was telling my friend about the fears with this new business. Wondering how I'd pay the bills, if freelance slowed down, or the gallery didn't pick up the way I think I will. My life is a whole bunch of unknowns right now. And usually I can take a deep breath, know that it always works out one way or another and plunge ahead. But not the past two days. As I told her this and told her I was waking up in the middle of the night in a sweat so full of fear and everything that could go wrong that I never went back to sleep, I began to get dizzy, and clammy, and my arms and fingers got numb and tingly. I couldn't breathe. I coudn't focus. I couldn't think clearly. After ten minutes it passed. I just let myself feel it and got through it. But that was enough. I realized that I was letting fear of the unknown cause me way too much emotional turmoil. Mind you, I have plenty of freelance work, word of mouth for the gallery is picking up daily and I have something else in the works that is pretty big. (which I can't talk about yet, but when I can, boy howdy!) So all this fear is only because of me. Nothing real, nothing actually bad happening. I have a tremendous fear of failure. I can actually visualize people pointing and laughing saying, "What WAS she thinking? One more thing that isn't going to work." For all the successes I have, sometimes I still tend to dwell on what isn't working. Why do I do that? So I did what any person should do in a case where they can't get themself out of a self dug hole. I called my mom. And thank god for moms. They know exaclty the right things to say at the right times. She gently pointed out that I am a wee bit, um impatient with my goals. If things don't happen right away I tend to cross them off as a failure and move on. Well this time I can't. I need to realize that business takes time to build up. She said that I have plenty of work keeping me busy that will pay the bills and most importantly STICK TO THE PLAN. Don't change up anything before I know if it will or won't work. I realize that I don't often stick to the plan. Which is a reason I can't live in corporate america. I need to be able to move, do what I want. But right now I need to stay put. I have been increadibly productive in my gallery. I love closing up at 6pm and being done. I love being with my children at night and really being with them. Not getting them to bed while I am thinking about what project needs to be done once they are asleep. So I am breathing better again. Knowing that it is normal to be scared. I have taken on a lot. I have decided to make my dream a reality and it is on a very public level. For the first time if something I am doing does not work, it is for everyone to see. Sure, if I succeed it's fantastic, if I don't well, it's not so fun. But I can say this, I certainly feel more alive than I ever have. But I think I will try to stay in the calmer emotions of life. Panick attacks are really no fun at all. And like I always say there really is no such thing as failure as long as you just don't quit, and a quitter is nothing I have ever been. (and thanks mom, you rock.)