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Friday, December 03, 2004

This time of year.... 
Today is a wonderful, gorgeous day and I am grateful to be alive for it. It is a sun/moon day. That is what my kids and I call it when on our way to school we can still see the moon in the sky while seeing the sun at the same time. I told them years ago it is a sign of a very special day where amazing things could happen. That is one of my favorite phrases to hear from my kids. "Mommy! Look! It's a sun/moon day! I wonder what wonderful thing will happen today!"

Things are so good with work. I am very, very busy. A commission comes in every few days. I have more design work than I can shake a stick at, and for the first time in a loooong time I have some extra moola in the bank. How nice is that??? I am not up at the studio nearly as much as I'd like, but people are taking cards and calling me. Thank goodness! I imagine most people wander back there and think that I don't actually exist. But with all the things going on in my life right now it is just the best I can do. Personal issues have taken the front seat and that is just the way it is. I stop everything I am doing everyday to pick up my kids at 2:30pm. It is go, go, go until 8pm when it is bedtime. I occassionaly try to squeeze in work while sitting on my balcony with my laptop (oh thank you thank you for the inventors of the most amazing wireless concept!!). It is crazy days, but when are they not, right? You either choose to see life as the journey it is or always be frustrated that you never seem to get to your destination. Don't we all realize by now that there is no ultimate goal to get met here? While frustrating sometimes, it is also amazing, and wonderful, and exciting to not know where tomorrow will bring me.

I do love life. I couldn't be more grateful for getting to live it, hard times and all.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Had me a big ol' moment this morning - could ya tell?? 
Sometimes we just gotta vent, right?

Disappointments 
Sometimes life brings disappointment. Sometimes there is nothing you can do but accept that you will get let down. That no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you work, you can't change certain things. It hurts when you can't change these things. It hurts when you try again and you get disappointed all over again. You feel foolish at having put yourself out there just to be made a fool of again. Lately I realize that while this reaction seems to be very natural it is looking at it very one-sided. I suppose that is what we do though. For the most part we live in our own heads. I don't know what is going on in other's heads, just mine, so it is natural to come from my own point of view. Lately I have been trying to figure out why I get so hurt when people don't act the way they say they will or do the things I would have done, or have done for them. Of course it hurts, but ultimately I cannot control other people. I can, however, control my own reaction. Instead of reacting with hurt or anger I am going to try to understand that ultimately it is not about me. It is not about someone intentionally trying to hurt me. It helps to think about times I have failed or disapppointed others. I have not ever before intentionaly said, " I am going to let this person down and hurt them." So if that is the case with me, I need to assume that is the case with others. But I still think it is important to say, "You hurt me. I know you didn't mean it, but you hurt me." And after that you can deal with what's left. Hopefully forgiveness and the possibility of rebuilding. Sometimes what is left is the acknowledgement that the hurt was too much. There is a broken part that might not be able to be repaired. And that is what must be remembered when we live in our own head too much instead of thinking of how our actions affect others. We can always say we are sorry afterwards, but that does not guarantee we can fix what we broke. Because we can forgive does not always mean things can go back to the way things were or that we can offer another chance. Sometimes you can't control the fact that your heart won't allow it to be put out there to be hurt again.

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